So, You’ve Killed a Mime and Need Someone to Reprimand You, so You Don’t Continue This Kind of Behavior

We’ve all been there: a friend of a friend’s botanical garden opening or a twice-removed relative’s baby shower, and they’ve hired a mime to entertain and serve food. It’s simply maddening! And more often than not you let your anger get the best of you, grabbing a blunt object, such as a wall clock, and bludgeoning that white make-up’d, striped shirt’d, beret’d ass clown, known colloquially as “mime”.

And you liked how it felt! The power coursing through your body as that silent fuck hit the floor—midway through pretending to offer you a bacon wrapped date, whilst holding a platter of pigs in a blanket—was warm and welcome. But, now you’ve reached a slight complication: no one is mad at you for brutally murdering the mime because he was annoying. And you’re worried that if you don’t get reprimanded soon this murderous behavior will carry over into your daily life.

Don’t worry too much: chances are the orgasmic release you experienced as a result of this horrific act was solely because it was a mime who you killed—and mimes are famously annoying, what with their silence and boxes that no one is able to see except them. However, in the off chance that it wasn’t killing the mime in specific, but the vile act of murder in general, that triggered the release of salty seed in your trousers, you’ve got a serious problem on your hands.

This dichotomy is common after killing a mime—especially the first one! Look deeply into yourself. If the hatred you keep stored in a vault in the pit of your stomach is reserved for mimes, you’ve got nothing to worry about. But, if the hatred you keep stored in a vault in the pit of your stomach is not reserved for mimes, but for humanity in general, you’ve got a bit of a problem on your hands.

So, on the serious off-chance that you generally don’t like humanity and bludgeoning that mime with a blunt object, such as a wall clock, at a botanical garden opening or a baby shower triggered a killer instinct within you, I will take it upon myself—for the good of the human race—to reprimand your action:

You should not have murdered that mime with a blunt object, even though it was pretty cool and that mime had it coming, because it has triggered a murderous rage in you unprecedented in even the lowliest of mime murderers.