University Officials Cite Frustration at Being Unable to Replace Entire Student Body with Shiny Glass Buildings

As part of a 15 year renovation plan, the administration has reportedly been toying with the idea of replacing each member of the student body with a shiny glass building. Mudd Library, Bienen and Kellogg have all successfully transitioned into sweeping glass monoliths, but many faculty don’t want to stop there.

“Replacing the gross complexity of thousands of human lives with the beauty of a curved glass façade is almost too tantalizing not to try,” said Jordan McKains, executive vice president for glass based affairs. “Students just really get on my nerves, they have a lot of wants and needs that don’t conform to our marketing plan. Glass buildings are modern works of art and lovely places to get a little work done… have you seen the Global Hub?”

Preliminary data reveals that if every student were to be replaced with a similarly sized glass building, there would be drastic decreases in underage drinking, hazing activities, and general student nonsense. Additionally, the school expects to drastically increase revenue by replacing tuition with hefty mortgages on the new properties.

However, a recent study found that there are in fact no scientifically proven ways to turn human flesh and bone into the steel and glass that these proposed buildings would require. Until they have the technology, administrators are expected to punish current students for not upholding their ridiculous, architecturally based standards.

When asked to comment on the issue, University President Morton Schapiro threateningly shook a blueprint in our direction and muttered something about building a better Northwestern under his breath.