Freshman Guide: Avoiding Student Group Abduction

You’re on your way to class, walking by the rock when you see a friendly-looking girl about your age holding a stack of papers. She makes eye contact with you and asks if you’ve ever heard of Palates for Penguins, the organization that raises money for flightless birds through exercise classes. Next thing you know, you’re giving her your email. Next thing you know, you’re bound and gagged in a basement, sobbing through an informational session. Avoid this freshman mistake in three easy steps.

1. Eyes ahead. Eyes are the window to the soul. As soon as you lock eyes with a student rep, they will see you as a human being. A human being they can take complete control of. Just one glance will give them insight into your weaknesses and vulnerabilities which they will promptly use to lure you into spending your time and effort on their cause and only their cause. Never meet their eyes and you might stand a chance.

2. Excuses ready. If you do happen to make eye contact with a student rep, have an excuse on the tip of your tongue. A simple “I’m in a rush,” or a more sophisticated “I’m late for my Kellogg study on promptness in teens,” will save your skin. Cutting the conversation off before it begins is key because the longer you stay, the deeper they’ll sink in their claws.

3. Stop, drop, and roll. If you fail to execute steps one and two, this is the only thing left to save you. Any student rep will be caught off guard when you crumble to the ground and roll away from their grasp. This simple solution can buy you enough time to make your escape. Note: do not use if approached by Junior Fireman’s Club—it will only make them want you more.

As a freshman, you are the most vulnerable to student organization attacks. It’s important to stay safe, so please practice these tactics on your own to be ready. Good luck.