Weinberg Sophomore Spends Summer ‘Finding Himself’ on Wall Street

After weeks of deliberation, Weinberg sophomore Tracy Stevens has recently come to appreciate that life is not about how many breaths you take, but rather how much money you can tell people you are going to make. It was reported that Stevens felt he was getting “too caught up in spiritual development, personal connections, and general humanity.” This conclusion has led Tracy to look deep down and take a summer to work on Wall Street.

When Tracy Stevens found out he had secured an internship in New York City, it was reported that he asked “What are you doing this summer?” to approximately 456 undergraduates, in hopes they would return the favor. Stevens was overheard insisting that what made Wall Street such an appealing option was the sure fact, “you could only do it once, while you’re young, and it’s important to take advantage of your youth. I really believe that.”

Andrew Spector, one of Tracy’s loyal friends, said it was not easy to get him to see the light: “I was really worried about Tracy. I saw him browsing several websites for camps, non-profits, and even domains that find you volunteer positions at nursing homes. Thank god someone was in the room who loves him, and more importantly, someone who knew what was best for him.”

Tracy’s responsibilities this summer include putting data into excel documents, getting coffee, and being on stand-by to offer oral sex at a moment’s notice. He was reported exclaiming to another friend in New York: “I can’t wait to grow this summer!” Northwestern will surely be a better school when Tracy returns with his newfound wisdom.