What Your Favorite Flavor of La Croix Says About You

Peach Pear Listen, we all had a pop-punk phase, but we usually grow out of it by sophomore year of high school. You are the oldest person at the Vans Warped Tour. You have All Time Low’s So Wrong, It’s Right on vinyl. You can tell the difference between Joel and Benji Madden. Your friends wrote “never change” in your high school yearbook but they honestly wish you would.

Pure You. Are. Boring. Face it, your favorite band is Mumford & Sons and you think Modern Family  is some of the funniest shit on TV. You want to be interesting (see: carbonated) but it’s all a mask. One of those masks you buy on a whim from CVS only to realize that it's basically lube that hardens and clogs your pores. All in all, you're knockoff lube.

Coconut You’re not for everyone. Some people like that “you tell it like it is” while others think you’re too conceited. Even though you may not be everyone’s cup of tea, no one can deny that they’ve seen a sweeter jump shot. Yeah, you made the winning three pointer against the Lincoln High Warriors in the Thanksgiving Classic. Yeah, the scouts compared you to Dirk. Yeah, you had scholarship offers at St. John’s, Villanova, and Georgetown. But Emily was pregnant. You weren’t going to risk a chance at the NBA when you had a future right in front of you. You had to join your father and work in the mines of Centralia, Pennsylvania. The guy’s at Larry’s were right, you can never escape coaltown. Also, you kind of taste like semen.

Lemon Hot.

Lime Not.

Orange You guys remember that movie Something Borrowed? No? Ah shit. Well, it’s about this lawyer lady played by Ginnifer Goodwin. On her 30th birthday, she tells her friend from law school, Colin Egglesfield, that she has a crush on him, so they bang and continue to bang for a while. The problem is that that Colin Egglesfield is engaged to Kate Hudson who is Ginnifer Goodwin’s best friend. To cover it up, Ginnifer Goodwin tells Kate Hudson that she is actually snogging another friend from their childhood, John Krasinski. I can go on, but my editors have advised me to instead link you to the film’s wikipedia page. It’s a good movie to watch when you have nothing to do at a hotel. Anyway, you’re John Krasinski’s character in that movie.

Berry Roses are red, violets are blue, berries are sweet and so are you. The self-proclaimed cutie of the bunch, you fizz with fruity flavor in a way that no other bubbly water can match. But that’s not to say you don’t have a dark side. Linked to the 2001 Enron Scandal, you have a dark history with finances and poorly tailored suits. You will deny whatever claims of grand larceny come your way with a smile and a wink. You won’t, however, serve any kind of “nickel.” You’re too adorable to be part of the prison industrial complex and you know it. No matter what, you’ll find a positive spin to keep me hydrated and you out of the Big House.

Cran-Raspberry Cran-Ras? More like CRAN-RAZY. You are the wild child of the seltzer world. It’s hard to keep a good girl down, but it’s even harder to explain to you why you shouldn’t snort Adderall and drink UV blue at the same time. (It’s bad for your liver, that’s why. Also it tastes awful. I mean, UV Blue? What is this? Middle school?). Nonetheless, you’ve got a great heart. Though honestly we’re not sure how much longer it’ll be beating.

Apricot You are not the person you used to be. Remember when you used to rob banks and give your number to Middle Eastern spice merchants? Like the great Western African Empire of Mecca, that girl is long gone. Now she’s the divorced mother of four who reads Parade magazine and feeds the ducks at the local park for fun. What happened to you, Donna? You used to be cool. Now you’re bland like the food you make for your dumb kids.

Mango You are the type of person who’s always down for pork chops. When you’re not at home cooking up some tasty chops, you’re probably at Porky Porkman’s Chop House wolfing down some of that sweet other white meat. Was it wrong for you to miss your dad’s funeral to defend your pork chop eating title at Chop Fest ‘08? Maybe. But it sure as hell was selfish for your dad to die so close to Chop Fest ‘08. Especially when he said that “this won’t be my last Chop Fest” after you beat him at Chop Fest ‘07. Then again, who needs family when you have a freezer full of dead pigs? Not you, that’s for sure.

Passionfruit Am I being Punk’d? Because you look like hunk and former Coug-ee Asthon Kutcher. Affectionately referred to as the “hot older sibling” at every family gathering, there’s no doubt that you aren’t looking at yourself in the nearest reflective surface. But don’t strain your eyes too much. Everyone knows that you have the worst vision, despite the crazy amount of baby carrots you eat to make up for it. The vitamin A rumors were created by Big Carrot  to keep you down, bud. Your terrible vision is genetic. Just like your good looks. Life is a mixed bag, as they say at the Shake’N’Bake factory. Wherever that is.

Pamplemousse Oh please. You think you are a big deal, but guess what? You are. You are far and away the best flavor of La Croix. However, you look like a big bag of Montanian flesh. So pink it’s like a family of salmon got stuck swimming upstream that they all ended up rotting in one big fishy pile only to decompose slowly in the cool Pacific Northwest autumn. But, as I always wished my mother would say, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” And for you that means crisp water with a subtle citrus tang that could make even John Wayne Gacy weep.

- Clint Taurus and Rich Homie Gina