The Foolproof Roommate Test

  Dear incoming fresh(wo)men, with room selection right around the corner, you’re probably thinking a lot about who you’re rooming with/who you could be rooming with (@random roommate bozos). A lot of anxiety swirling through your mind. What if she wakes up really early? What is she has a boyfriend who comes every weekend? What if she’s a Satan-worshipper who wakes up early because 6am is the “devil’s hour?” All of the above are possible, kids. I know where ya’ll are at. Sometimes you can get that 99% compatibility on RoomSurf but end up with a total psychopath. So how well do you actually know your future roommate? Probably about as well as you know that kid Zachary from pre-school who used to knock down all of your block towers even though you worked really hard on them. (Curse you, Zachary.) Before you decide to live happily ever after in Elder or Allison with the same person for the next 285 DAYS, ask them these some of these questions… and you might find yourself selecting a single come draw time.

How early do you wake up?

1. a) I usually wake up in time to do some sunrise yoga
2. b) Twelve minutes before my first class (if it’s far away).
3. c) Eh, depends how much I drank the night before
4. d) I don’t.

On average, how big are your dumps?

1. Pretty small actually, I don’t think I eat enough
2. Eh like normal size I think right? Are my dumps normal? I don’t have any other dump to compare it to…
3. HUGE LIKE LITERALLY THE FUCKING LARGEST EVER HOW CAN HUMAN BOWELS CREATE THAT
4. I don’t look at my poop

Are you secretly a mermaid?

1. I hope so would that be fucking cool
2. I don’t think I am, but I’m not prepared to defend that statement
3. I do drink an insane amount of water
4. This is a weird question, are you weird?

How many licks does it take you to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

1. One
2. Tuh-hooooooo
3. A three
4. Probably like 300

Hypothetically, would you not not be not angry if I were to somehow, probably mistakenly, but also maybe a little intentionally smuggle a bunny and/or a chipmunk into our room and name him Voldemort?

1. …what?
2. AH can we make a mini sorting hat and wand?!
3. HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED… NEVER!
4. I exclusively read and watch GoT, so no there will be no Potter paraphernalia here

*Disclaimer: all of the above are appropriate answers if she used the right tone

How do you feel about palm trees?

1. Uh, I haven’t formed an opinion.
2. I’m from LA/Florida/anywhere tropical, it makes me think of home and being     on the beach with my friends….. **potential roommate goes on describing      warmth as if you’ve never experienced it
3. GO PACKERS
4. Those are like trees right?