I Lived It: Hooking Up at the Northwestern COVID-19 Test

I started my Wildcat Wellness off with a BANG by heading over to my college-mandated COVID-19 test. I threw back a shot of tequila, put on my sluttiest outfit, and dabbed some perfume on my mask… this would be the only group I’d see for the foreseeable future, so I wanted to really #goAWF.

And thank GOD I did! Because in the socially distanced COVID-test line…  I ran into the guy who ghosted me back in March.

There he was, just three Wildcat-Pawprints away. His mask had flames on it, and I was reminded of our flamin’ one night stand on March 14th... right before the world went up in flames! And that flame (too many flame metaphors?) clearly hadn’t gone out, because it was HEATIN’ UP in the club-- I mean, COVID test line-- too.

Sure, school shut down right after we hooked up! Yes, he had just gotten back from Italy and had a super high fever and there is a CHANCE that he was patient 0 in the U.S. Yes, thousands started dying from this unprecedented disease, and lockdown began… but why didn’t he text me back??? He must have forgotten, or maybe he just isn’t a big texter? Re-assured, I flipped my hair back, signed my consent form, and bribed the out-of-work Athletic Director monitoring the tests to make sure we would end up in the same 4-person testing circle.

The setting was perfect: with such a poorly designed testing system, I knew getting him in my quarantine pod would be easy. Because then, he’d HAVE to talk to me, right? So as the nose-swab countdown was finishing, “12...13…14…” I took my chance! I pulled my mask all the way down, and sneezed in his direction! As he was only 3 feet away, I hit my mark with no trouble. My huge booger of love, along with all my air mist, landed in his mouth as he was mid-swab. A mass of Wildcat Wellness officers poured in from the ceiling, stairs, and backdoorways, “get them quarantined! Put them in the purple PPE that has ‘Safety is Cool’ with the pawprint drawn on it! Go go go!”

And just like that, I got the boy who ghosted me back in March into my quarantine pod! As they carted us away, I turned to him and said… “oh my god, hey! I didn’t even know you were here. This party tottttalllly sucks, right? Should we like, kiss?”