A Line-By-Line Analysis of the Mayfest "Apology"

May 31, 2015 – A Date That Shall Live In Infamy

Dillo Day means something different to every member of the Northwestern community.

Though the commercialism of the holiday--e.g. paying for wristbands--has really corrupted Dillo Day’s original meaning--e.g. chasing back vodka shots before you’ve even had a chance to wipe the crusted sleep from your eyes.

Like you, we spent the past year counting down the days until Dillo Day.

Unlike you though, we got to lord the fact that we’re on Mayfest over you plebeians and wear our cool matching apparel.

After yesterday we’re struggling to come to terms with the fact that the festival was cancelled,

The passive voice sure is great for eschewing any responsibility.

and we know you probably left the Lakefill yesterday

You never even made it past Sheridan

looking for answers.

Stumbling around Evanston and complaining on Yik yak in between drunk-texting everyone in your phonebook.

Mayfest was forced to close Dillo Day due to severe winds which made it unsafe for artists and crew on both the main and WNUR stage.

Give it up for the crew! They’re the real heroes.

The decision to close the festival was made by the Evanston Police Department, the Evanston Fire Department, the Northwestern Police Department and stage production vendors.

Shouldn’t be too hard to scapegoat the police these days, right?

Sustained winds of more than 30 miles per hour exceeded the wind tolerance of both stages, forcing them to be shut down. Rain and cold temperatures were not a factor in this decision, and at no time did the Lakefill need to be evacuated.

The stage was made of a bunch of poster board we bought on sale. In hindsight, we could have chosen stronger building materials.

Dillo Day is rain or shine, but extreme weather made it impossible for artists to perform.

Yeah, we know what the site said, but our friend Ethan who is pre-law swears this counts as a loophole and so please don’t be mad us at anymore.

Mayfest works all year with Northwestern University officials, including those in Athletics and the Office of Risk Management, to explore possible contingency venues in the case of severe weather. Because Welsh-Ryan Arena was unavailable well in advance due to a prior event reservation, there was no other viable indoor venue to support the scale of our production, including Patten Gymnasium.

We desperately called an hour before Dillo and some 8th graders were playing three-on-three.

There is always a risk when planning an outdoor music festival, and yesterday we were very unlucky.

We Mayfesters are very superstitious. What can a weather app really tell you? Why check the forecast when you can carry around a rabbit’s foot to ward off the rain? We knew we shouldn’t have walked under all those ladders.

We know it’s frustrating, but unfortunately we are unable to issue any refunds for wristbands.

Shut the fuck up about the wristbands.

The standard practice of the Norris Box Office is not to issue refunds, and exceptions will not be made for extreme weather.

Seriously. If I hear some whiny nerd complain about wristbands one more time, I will see to it that the Norris hockey table is set aflame as your funeral pyre.

This was stated within the terms of use included in wristband purchase.

Shout out again to our pre-law friend Ethan who helped pen the terms of use! Here are some other terms of use included in the wristband purchase that you might have overlooked: You will fill out all our CTECS for us, send us your study guides for every exam, and dangle grapes above our mouths for us to feed on as we recline on our golden chaises.

We would like to clarify that the overwhelming majority of revenue from wristband sales is given back to the university per SAFC guidelines and that we do not make any profit on wristband sales.

No monetary profit, at least. Watching you procrastinating dopes stand in line for an hour to pick up your wristbands gives us the warm-and-fuzzies that make Dillo Day so special.

What happened Saturday was disappointing for everyone in the Northwestern community. Mayfest wanted more than anything to give campus the year-end festival it deserves, and we are devastated it was not possible to do so.

This is absolutely what you all deserved. First, you’re all bitching about the lineup: “Miguel’s the headliner? Really? Mayfest Mayfucked up!” Yeah, well how do you like no lineup, huh? Maybe next year you’ll all show us a little more respect.

We sincerely hope that the student body was able to enjoy the day despite the circumstances.

We certainly had a great time at the free pop-up Miguel concert we declined to tell the rest of the student body about. But we heard Norris had Uno? Wow, how fun is that game!

We appreciate your understanding, and we look forward to seeing you next May.

We will be in hiding for the next year. Or until everyone decides to hate a new student group. So see you all in a few weeks.

Sincerely,

Mayfest Productions

There. There’s your damn apology. Now go back to complaining about finals.