Postmates Shutters Services After Shocking Expose Reveals Minors Consume Alcohol
EVANSTON, Ill. — On-demand delivery service Postmates suspended Evanston deliveries Tuesday following revelations that minors use the service to illegally obtain alcohol. This decision was made in reaction to a student publication article detailing the service's popularity within a certain community whose entitlement prohibits them from walking to Davis Street and using their fake ID in person.
"This is, like, the twenty-first century, man," said Weinberg sophomore Rizoli Niles. "My dad always used to say, 'There's an app for that!' Now my dad looks like a fucking liar."
Evanston 1st Liquor and D&D Finer Foods are two local establishments with balance sheets most ravaged by the collapse of the Postmates shadow empire. Paul Ford, owner and manager of EV1, voiced his disappointment in a press conference Tuesday.
"People's families depended on those kids' work-study pay checks," he said. "A postmate once told me he paid for Christmas with profits from his deliveries to Northwestern undergrads. I hope those journalism majors knows that Santa’s blood is on their hands."
The most vocal response, however, came from avid Postmates users. Sherman Ave attempted to contact numerous victims of the Postmates delivery suspension. Only one individual was willing to speak on the record on the condition that her last name be withheld.
"I just, like, really appreciated the convenience of getting my Fireball delivered to Evanston Place," Amanda said with her body wedged between her couch cushions like a lost penny. "Where will I get my peach Andre for formal now?" the 19-year-old asked.
Postmates was reluctant to comment on the issue, only releasing a short statement apologizing for the company's illicit dealings. Spokesman John Jacobs delivered the statement to a crowded room. The question and answer session that followed accused the company of apologizing as a cheap ploy to save face. Jacobs all but agreed, emphasizing that there are shadier delivery services out there.
"At least we don't deliver weed," he said shrugging his shoulders.
