Armadillo Rights Activists Shame Mayfest for Cultural Appropriation
EVANSTON, IL. - On the eve of Dillo Day, Northwestern’s day of institutionally supported alcoholism, student activists denounced Mayfest’s “obscene objectification of Armadillo culture.”
The armadillo rights activists identified themselves as part of Northwestern’s newest ASG-recognized organization: Activist Students Somewhat Helping Armadillo Treatment (ASSHAT).
“Long have armadillos been trampled by the wheels of automobiles and society,” said ASSHAT President Sarah Bayer in a statement to the Northwestern community. “It is time for someone to stand up for these little guys’ vibrant culture of spreading leprosy.”
“I believe this to be one the great battles of our time,” that annoying girl from your Poli Sci discussion who makes everything her problem said. “For too long have people looked down on armadillos as ‘Texas speedbumps” or ‘God’s fuckups.’ Dillo Day and other media stereotype these majestic creature as something to laugh at.”
“Dillo is our word,” exclaimed an ASSHAT student to a gaggle of disinterested pedestrians by the Arch.
“You should be ashamed of yourself!” another ASSHAT protester shouted at a fratstar donning an official Dillo Day tank.
ASSHAT officials say that they will not rest until armadillos are afforded the same rights as cuter, less-useless creatures such as cats, dogs, or EVERY OTHER MAMMAL ALIVE.
