Administration Announces New Construction of $650 Million Giant Pyramid Tomb for President Shapiro

In a couple years, Northwestern students will walk by the scenic backdrop of president Shapiro’s Giant Pyramid Tomb.

The $650 million Giant Pyramid Tomb, due to be completed in October 2018, will be north of the new Kellogg building, and feature a treasure room, sacrificial chamber and a glass casket to encase the embalmed body of our dear president Shapiro.

Besides holding the pickled carcass of our president, Northwestern University administrators have suggested the new facility will be a multi-use venue that benefits all students on campus.

“We plan to hold dance marathon there, and other stuff. Maybe we’d sometimes have some things there, or even events or gatherings and the such. The possibilities are endless” said Gary Kalbfleish, the tomb’s project manager “I mean, the Giant Pyramid Tomb for President Shapiro is supposed to have multiple uses. I think it’s going to be a real benefit to the whole university.”

But not everyone shares Gary’s excitement. The Giant Pyramid Tomb has been the subject of many student protests indicative of frustrations over how the university allocates its resources.

“All they really care about is how the Giant Pyramid Tomb is going to make the school look nice,” said Jason Liu, one of the student protesters. “And while it may help the university by attracting students who really like tombs, we’re the ones who’re paying for it. The Administration needs to ask themselves ‘do we really need a giant pyramid Tomb?”

The investment’s been made, and construction has already begun, but it still remains uncertain whether the Giant Pyramid Tomb will improve the Northwestern community as administrators envision.