I’ve Dated Half of the Econ Majors, and So Can You!

My major is useless, and it will bring me neither success nor happiness after graduation. Nonetheless, I find myself constantly developing a romantic interest the people who study the only real major at this university: economics. I don’t wanna brag or anything, but I’m kind of an econ major serial dater. I aim for the stereotypical econ bros because something in my heart tells me they will make a lot of money in the future, and that sexually excites me. Dating an econ major can be tricky because they tend to be apathetic fuck boys, snakes, and think it’s weird when you ask them if they’ll marry you right after graduation. But I’m here to help you out if you’re new to dating econ bros. I have compiled a list of things to expect when dating this fascinating group of rich kids. Everything you will read is true, and I know it because I’ve hooked up with so many bros, plus I’m also taking micro right now for IMC because the marriage thing is looking unlikely and I’m worried about my future. :)

1.    They are super judgy

Literally no one is more fluent in bullshit than econ majors. Half of the things they say didn’t have to leave their mouths. They'll be like “paying 6 bucks for sparkling water is ridiculous.” Well, no one fucking asked, John. They will always judge your financial decisions because they think they actually know about money. They’ll be like “why are you subscribed to the New Yorker when you only read the fiction piece?” and to that, I just say “haha yeah.” Or they’ll say “You literally have that exact coat already” and I’ll just be like “haha yeah.” The worse part is they will talk about how they’ll never get a job while you’re sitting there with your medieval literature and yodeling double major like “haha yeah.”

The take-away: never engage.

2.    They are really intense

When you first walk into an econ bro’s room and see the framed poster of an enlarged one hundred dollar bill you’ll think: great, this fucker’s psycho. Just know it’s normal, it’s their way of self-expression. Imagine Benjamin Franklin is actually Mia Wallace and that this shit is actually a Pulp Fiction poster. Voilà! Smile, nod and say “haha yeah” to everything.

3. Don’t ask about their personal opinion on social issues

You don't want to know.

4. They will log their expenses into those money-managing apps

I am aware that, objectively, this is not a terrible idea, but I break out in sweats when they do this. The money isn’t even theirs. It belongs to their daddy, so let me know who they think they’re foolin’. When I see an econ major do this I tell myself to breathe in and out, but, wait… is Brent logging 2.50 for a Coke on that motherfucking app I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GONNA KILL--

5. The sex is

Kinda bizarre. You will do it at the weirdest times of the day. Like 4:39. Who bones at that time? Well, econ majors baby. They connect to their schedules in spiritual levels and know precisely the optimal time to do it but not make a whole thing out of it because of the opportunity cost of their precious minutes.

Your econ hook-up will text you after class and give himself the precise amount of time in order to arrive at your place, bone, but spend the least amount of non-boning minutes with you before he has to go back to class and get there early to catch up with the bros. Fascinating. I also think they know they’re not good at sex but don’t give a fuck. They also tend to have mommy issues, but you didn’t hear that from me.

6. It's super disturbing when they say they love you

Like hearing a cat bark or something, it gives me the chills.

7. At least they’re not student athletes

Yeah, at least they’re not student athletes.