Report: Trump Presidency Will Have Little to No Effect on Refreshingly Cool Taste of Diet Dr. Pepper

The results of the recent presidential election have left much of the nation polarized, with some openly embracing the reforms the new president has proposed, while others express fear and dismay over what they expect to be regressive changes. Whatever side one may personally be on, it is obvious that by this time next year the nation will likely be a very different place. Which is why citizens everywhere are rejoicing to hear that amidst all this uncertainty, they will have a stable rock to hold on to: the delicious taste of Diet Dr. Pepper.

The new president elect stated in a recent press conference that he personally has no immediate plans to alter any of the twenty three distinct flavors that make up the iconic cherry taste of America’s ninth most popular soda. It remains to be seen whether one can expect the same for the brand’s sister soda, Dr. Pepper TEN, but for now, American’s are thrilled. “This is an uncertain time to be an American, you really don’t know what tomorrow will bring,” said Larry, an American. “But knowing I can always count on the delicious cherry flavor of Diet Dr. Pepper? It makes it feel like everything is going to be all right.”

Rumors are even beginning to circulate that the company will be retaining its current spokesperson: American Idol runner-up, Little Sweet, as the star of its television commercials. So remember, Americans, no matter who you might have voted for, or what your thoughts might be on the future of our country, take comfort in the fact that we all still have the one thing that has always, and will forever, make our country truly great.