CHICAGO--After nearly 15 months of intense rehabilitation and sitting on the sidelines, Derrick Rose has made his return to the NBA. Despite a lukewarm 4-for-15 12-point performance last night against the defending champion Miami Heat, the Chicago Bull's most beloved athlete looks better than ever after leading the Bulls to an undefeated 8-0 record in the preseason.
Basketball fans across the world have been ecstatic to see Rose back in form, but none are happier than Robert Spizziri, a local Rose fanatic from Lincoln Park. Spizziri claims to have regained his sexual potency as a result of the long-awaited return of D-Rose. After Rose's exasperated ACL said "fuck this shit" and tore to shreds in the 2012 playoffs, Spizziri was diagnosed with what doctors now call ESIED, short for Episodic Stress-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Spizziri found it extremely difficult to cope with his rare diagnosis:
"It just stopped working. I... I don't know. I tried to watch his videos on the internet, but it just wasn't the same."
Skeptics might question how any person could possibly have such an intense hard-on for a professional athlete; so much so that it would lead to their failure to achieve an erection in the player's absence from the sport. A defensive Spizziri explained his unique situation:
"I don't know, there's just something so incredibly arousing about seeing D-Rose split two defenders and do a 360 windmill while tea-bagging a 7-footer in mid-air. When Derrick suffered a loss of strength, endurance, and explosiveness to the hole, I did too!"
When asked why he could not project his passion onto another Chicago athlete, Spizziri voiced some universal opinions:
"Nate Robinson? Are you kidding me? That little chode only played like 3 good games last year! Don't even get me started on Jay Cutler, that guy's attitude would make any man flaccid."
Citizens are advised to stand at least 3 feet away from Spizziri when the Bulls take on the New York Knicks for tomorrow night's home opener.
-Phil Dickelson
