Tips to Make Your Student Group More Exclusive
If you hang out around Northwestern long enough, you’ll begin to hear the same pattern of complaints: There’s not enough time in a quarter. It’s too cold in the winter. That guy that lives in room 2036 keeps leaving green olive outside my doorway but I only like black olives. You hear these things all the time. But the one complaint, the one issue that students can all agree on is this:
Student groups just aren’t exclusive enough.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: yes. Yes, let’s make groups harder to join, make them more exclusive, and make membership even more influential in a student’s social dominance. So we went ahead and did the grease work for you, coming up with some tips to make your student group as exclusive as possible. Use these simple and easy tricks and you’ll have yourself the coolest, smallest, most elitist group on campus:
- Random Acts of Exclusivity: Add a few elements to your student group’s application process that only fate can determine. We recommend using a coin toss. It’s clean, it’s easy, it’s simple, and it’ll cut down the number of potential new members by half. And how can anyone get mad at you when his or her destiny is determined by a coin? Everyone already hates loose change.
Other methods include Spin the Bottle and that claw machine game at the arcade. But instead of a smooch or a plush toy, you get the sweet satisfaction of group membership, guaranteed friendships and really cool, interesting, profile picture advertisements on Facebook (which everybody will love and like and think are cool).
- Test Their Domestic Skills: Sure, they can dance, but can they fix up a substantial meal for four? Four being the average size of an American family and the size of that cool and funny comedy group on campus. Now I’m not talking abou a mac n’ cheese dinner. I’m talking about something substantial—a real deal meal, something with truffle oil in it. An adequate knowledge of spices and seasonings is a sign of maturity and talent. Remember: this is YOUR student group. You want the crème de la crème, a crème capable of concocting a crème caramel flan to complement a bottle of La Crema Cabernet Sauvignon.
- Socially Acceptable Forms of Discrimination: Back in World War II, you couldn’t serve in the army if you were flat footed. Am I saying you shouldn’t let someone into your a cappella group because of their orthopedic health? Maybe. It’s certainly something to consider. The point is that back in the day they sure knew how to keep people out of organizations. Withholding people from your student group based on their race, religion and gender is NOT COOL anymore, with the exception of the most cultural groups and the Hillel Executive Board. With that being said, feel free to mess around with socially acceptable forms of discrimination without violating the Civil Rights Act.
- The Name Game: Are they named Kyle? Don’t accept Kyle. To hell with Kyle.
- Relationship Status: Are they in a committed relationship? Find out. This is important. Know who they’re seeing and how often. Having a romantically active member can really detract from their ability to add to the team. Plus they need to hang out with you if this is going to work. They can’t build an obligatory friendship with you if they’re out kissing and frolicking with their love-thing. It’s ride or die in student organization life. There’s no room for outside passion. If playing drums on things that aren’t drums isn’t on your mind every waking moment of the day, then there’s no room for you in that alternative percussion club.
- Again, no Kyle’s. If the birth certificate reads “Kyle” the answer is no. And yes, birth certificates should be checked. Oh, what’s that? This Kyle is talented and a chill dude? Still no. Fuck any and all Kyle’s.
- Personality Test: Do they break under the psychological stress of applying to your group? That means they care? But it also means they just can’t take the heat. And if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, especially if your student group is a baking club. You don’t want your fresh cinnamon buns tasting like weakness.
Sure, those punk-ass ass-monkeys got past that silly 13% acceptance rate to get into this school. Big whoop whippersnappers, it’s time to have your dreams scaled down. Getting into a student group at Northwestern University is tougher than getting into Northwestern University, and that’s how it should be. Hopefully these tips can help you continue the cycle of exclusivity with your own student group.
Don’t forget to apply to Sherman Ave in the spring! xoxoxo
