Weinberg Freshman Just Rubbing Her Gum in Everyone's Fucking Faces

EVANSTON, Il. - Multiple reports out of University Hall this morning claimed that Weinberg freshman Shirley Benson not only had a newly opened pack of Shaun White Stride gum, but also was openly displaying it in her philosophy lecture without offering pieces to any of the students around her.

“She’s a goddamn monster,” said John Wilds, who sits next to her and was denied a piece of gum despite having not brushed his teeth that morning. “I don’t know how someone with such blatant disregard for human need could be allowed at this school.”

Sources confirmed that the heartless she-demon chewed openly and callously throughout the duration of the class, and even left the package at the corner of her desk, as a shining beacon reminding all around her of her massive insensitivity.

“My moral code as an educator means I have to grade her based on her work,” said Professor Thomas Mann. “But if this class had a ‘be a good person’ component, I’d tank her so fast she’d need a submarine to reach her GPA.”

Benson could not be reached for comment at press time, presumably because she was off doing some of her other favorite activities, like poisoning small animals or casual genocide.