First Year Student from Boston Doesn’t Understand Why NU Students Love Go-Carts So Much
Connor O’Connor, a first year student in McCormick, grew up on the tough South Side of Boston. He loves two things in this world: The Red Sox and kissing his best friend Matty on the forehead after he drunkenly knocks two of his teeth out. You know, like they do in Boston.
O’Connor has acclimated pretty well to the school, but there’s one question that has been on his mind since the Wildcat Dash: Why do Northwestern students love go-carts so much? Sherman Ave’s JV Investigative Journalist team took it upon ourselves to buy a bunch of red yarn and figure out exactly what was going on.
“I don’t undastahnd it!” O’Connor tells us, drinking an Iced Coffee from the Norris Dunkin’ Donuts, or “Dunkies” as he calls it. “All these chowdaheads hit their knees, bring up their hand like they’re squeezin’ a teet, and say ‘Go-Cahts!’ Why does everyone love go-cahts so much hea?”
At first, the team and I were wary about trusting O’Connor on his hypothesis. We thought, there’s no way everyone at Northwestern loves go-carts. Nationally syndicated research predicts that around 62 percent of the student body probably loves those bite-sized zoom machines. But 100 percent? It felt ridiculous — a work of fiction. But then we realized CO’C might be onto something. As we started connecting the dots, a grand and very real conspiracy began to rear its ugly face.
The football game proved to be the catalyst in our awakening, a jolt to open our eyes to a dark truth. Everyone was yelling it. “Go-Cahts, Go! Go-Cahts, Go!” Not only were they bonding over their adoration for the four-wheeled pocket-sized gas-guzzlers, but they were mocking O’Connor’s accent while they were doing it! Practically mocking the whistleblower...pretty messed up. It was as if they had all gotten the number of a girl O’Connor was hitting on at a bar, slammed it against the window of the booth he was sitting at while enjoying a meal with his friends, and yelled at him, “How Do Ya Like Them Apples?” Douchebags.
As the game wrapped up, we asked a student painted in full purple, conveniently wearing a shirt that said, “Go ‘Cats!” Cats, of course, is an abbreviation for Northwestern’s mascot, the Wildcats. Anyway, we demanded this purple man answer our questions. “Why do you, and every student here, love Go-Carts so much?” we yelled. The student responded, “What the fuck are you talking about? Let go of my arm” Cults never do like unwanted attention from the press. And this gaggle of go-cart geese are no different.
There’s something truly evil brewing on this campus. But we’re out of red yarn, and thus cannot connect any more dots. Still, next time you’re at a sporting event supporting your school’s team, yelling, “Go Cats!” and you hear a smug fuck yelling “Go-Cahts!” just remember: Be like Connor O’Connor. Dump a bunch of tea into the Boston Waters. Pleasure yourself to Tom Brady. Don’t be a sheep. And support normal sized automobiles. Stay safe out there, ‘Cats.
Wait….ohhhhhhh.
