Average NU Student to Watch One Full Quarter of Cal Game from Family's Living Room before Changing Channel

A report suggests that most Northwestern students will watch their school's football team play against Cal this Saturday for no more than one quarter from their families' living rooms. Many students, all of whom start class on September 23, will lose interest after the depleted team goes down 7-0. Others would simply rather watch something else, regardless of the score.

"School starts in like 3 weeks, and I won't have cable then," said junior Rose Gutfeld, whose internship finished four weeks ago. "The football season is like 30 games long, right? Lord of the Rings marathons on TNT are a special event, so count me out for the game."

Scientists expect that while a handful of Northwestern students plan to watch the complete season opener, some even in person, they are fewer in number than undergrads who are unaware that the game is happening. A small minority realized the team was playing after receiving a riveting email from Northwestern Football titled "'Cats Take on Cal Saturday."

"I'm probably going to wait for this year's Ohio State game which is on primetime national TV before I watch a game," said Weinberg sophomore Connor Heffernan, referencing last year's matchup against the Buckeyes, when College fucking Gameday did a show on the Lakefill and we were undefeated, dammit.

The report also concluded that are you kidding me? Colter, gone. Venric...gone. Shit.

At press time, what a difference a year makes.