Cheesie's Data Theft Fiasco Ruins Reputation/Futures of Hundreds at NU

Shock waves are still being felt throughout campus following a data breach at the popular late-night eatery, Cheesie’s, which exposed the names of hundreds in the Northwestern community who had eaten at the restaurant and, damningly, the frequency of their visits as well. The breach, which was featured on TV reports and in newspapers across the country, even prompted a statement from President Schapiro, (45 visits to Cheesie’s in 2013) who has already faced multiple calls to step down from his position at the University. “Just because someone has a certain taste in late night cuisine, doesn’t mean that they exercise poor judgments in other areas,”President Schapiro said in a press conference over cries of disgust. “I happen to think that the Caprese is a perfectly acceptable sandwich if you add a side of bacon to it,”Schapiro defiantly added as he was escorted offstage. Outside of the professional spheres at NU, Facebook data suggests that there has been an intense spike in breakups in the days following the breach. Jen White, a Senior in Weinberg, (5 visits in 2013) said she knew that there had been something her boyfriend was hiding from her, but she never expected this. We caught up with her ex-boyfriend, Ryan Starr, (83 visits in 2013) who seemed dazed as he sat on a bench outside of Searle. “It was just a Tenderizer every few days, maybe a Miller Lite here or there, it just happened so fast.” As students struggle to return to their daily schedules, university officials warn that the worst of the fallout may still be ahead for the campus. Unscathed in the breach is Cheesie’s manager Chance Lydick, (0 times in 2013) who expressed his “sincerest apologies”for the irreparable damage done to the lives of many in the NU community. Lydick heroically pledged that he and his team would work closely with the FBI to find those responsible for the data theft. Doing so may prove a difficult task for the data recovery team. No group has come forward to claim responsibility for the theft, and many suspected culprits, including the terrorist cell Boko Haram, have released statements to condemn the breach as “a despicable offense that targets the very core of human society.”