The Definitive Ranking of the 5 Shoe Carnivals Where I’ve Committed Minor Felonies

5) Rookwood Pavilion Shopping Center in Norwood, OH; Drug Possession

If the maintenance of this location is bad (and – news flash – it is; I could barely locate the Steve Madden wedges I wanted among the defiled shelves), then the customer service is even worse! The attendant who asked me – very rudely, I mind you – to put out my joint didn’t even honor my coupon that had expired just two days ago. Never going back! 0/5

4) Frontier Mall in Cheyenne, WY; Vandalism

If this location’s interior décor wasn’t so bad - that carpet was old enough to join AARP - I might not have been so tempted to spruce up the walls with a little bit of personal flair. I got out of there as soon as I could for fear of falling asleep from pure boredom (and also because the cops were about to show up), and I couldn’t even purchase my child-sized Sperry slip-ons.  1/5

3) Mariposa Mall in Nogales, AZ; Assault

Decent customer service, clean interior, and convenient location. My trip would have been pretty good if it wasn’t for that rowdy child. 3.5/5

2) Conyers Crossroads in Conyers, GA; Forgery

Fantastic! Ask for Majorie at the front desk for a shoe fitting that will have you walking on air! Unfortunately, I couldn’t buy the men’s size 10 Sketchers that she helped me pick out because of the whole “counterfeit money” thing. 4/5

1) Florence Square in Florence, KY; Kidnapping/Hostage Situation

Ok, so this one is technically a “major felony,” but I needed a place to get the word out. So, if you’re reading this, and would like Shoe Carnival employee Tony Smithers of 398 County Lane, Florence KY 42042 back without any harm, deliver $10,000 to this Shoe Carnival location immediately. Thanks! Pending store rating.