Northwestern Nanomaterials Department Announces Groundbreaking Thinner Toilet Tissue

EVANSTON, Il. — Defying what was previously thought to be the limit of how thin toilet tissue could be, Northwestern University’s Nanomaterials Research department announced a major breakthrough today, which will pave the way for far thinner toilet paper across campus.

“While we were previously only able to reach thicknesses of approximately .15 millimeters without the toilet tissue disintegrating on contact, these new methods of production will finally allow for thicknesses as low as 400 nanometers,” said McCormick School of Engineering Nanomaterials researcher Dr. David Spangler in a release today.

The breakthrough, heralded as one of the most revolutionary findings in toilet tissue science of the century, achieves a goal previously thought unattainable and will soon allow for all campus facilities to carry toilet paper approximately 1/200th the width of a human hair, 375 times thinner than the current standard.

“This project was actually the sole reason the Nanomaterials Research department was created,” said Evan Grabb, a graduate student working on the project. “It’s been a sort of white whale of the department--to finally succeed is unimaginably gratifying.”

Northwestern University has promised to begin releasing the new toilet tissue across the coming school year following extensive testing to ensure it tears under gentle pressure and meets standards set for abrasiveness. Moving forward, Northwestern’s Materials Science department is looking into substances that could provide more durable tape and less water-resistant paper for plastering advertisements to sidewalks.